Let this writing be the second part of my former post, Experiencing powers inside and outside from last September. That was the time when I first felt a really strong urge or instinct to make a radical change in my life, to move. A big amount of passion awakened inside of me suddenly when I came to Rhodes island to finish my research for my book in September 2017. That passion was so strong that time, stronger than ever before. I don’t know why did it happen, I just couldn’t avoid following my heart and feelings even that it looked like a crazy step in my life – there were no rational reasons for this move. So I did follow my instinct. I moved to Rhodes – the place where I’ve found my inspiration, passion and I discovered the most about myself during the last years. I was following my good feelings, I wanted to be at the place where I felt more free, creative, happy and productive in my art and valuable as a human being.
This island gave me a lot of things during my travels that I was missing from my life for a long time back in Hungary. So I was full of hope and optimism. I really believed that beside the difficulties of my choice I will be able to go towards my visions, to make them come true. I felt it was time to create, to really be who I am, to be honest, just live a life that I really wish for. So I tried and I went for it. Alone. I made my sacrifices, I took risks. And there were a lot of ‘unknown factors’ in this decision. But they say that sacrifice will transform into something ‘sacred’ by time. But so far instead of fulfilling my visions and creating my art, I went through the difficult process of facing with the largest obstacle of my life: myself.
Why do I say that? Everybody wants to be free, right? But what is freedom? Where does it come from? Does it come from somewhere outside? Because of my experiences I don’t believe that really. According to my opinion the bad – and also the good – news is that it is only us who can free ourselves. Bad news because it might be a hard work. Good news because it is in our own hand.
Wanting, expecting, truth
First of all I learnt that if I WANT something very specific, it is a very masculine and stiff approach that automatically creates expectations. And expectations are narrowing the space in our lives. If you have too many expectations or plans you cannot welcome LIFE itself. “I want this and that…” “I came here for this and that…” It means that you are not open, you are not flexible (the feminine quality or energy is missing), so there is a big chance that you will suffer if you cannot reach your plans. So of course I suffered a lot after so many disappointments. Disappointment = I wanted something, I went for it and it didn’t work out. I can tell you that almost nothing worked out for me so far since I moved to Rhodes. Nothing has happened the way how I thought it. Or didn’t happen at all. So I was asking myself a lot: “why did I have this strong feeling about coming here if nothing works out? Why did life shepered me here, where I am suffering all the time? I believe that we are not here on this Earth to suffer… so what is going on with me and around me now?” And by time I found the answer to these questions. I understood that every doubt and disappointment was necessary to be aware of the truth and myself. The big package that I carry. The fears, the stress, the limitations that I have in my mind, body and soul. And they are blocking me in the flow of life, in the creative process.
Almost everything I believed before, it failed. Most of the people says to me: “oh you have difficulties because of winter! Winter on Rhodes is very difficult!” But I just smile, because I know very well that it is not because of winter (not because of the weather and the economical environment). It is because of ME. This journey gave me the chance to face my limitations, my fears that I couldn’t meet before in a safe, habitual environment. This you can learn only in certain situations when you are facing yourself – and only if you are ready to face the truth. And of course facing with limitations and fears is not a big fun, it hurts a lot and you can suffer from it. But only until you resist them. Being ready for the truth, understanding and accepting your limitations and borders and fears already gives you a certain kind of freedom or calmness. At least this is the first step of the process of liberating yourself. Letting yourself deeply into scary, uncomfortable situations – where you can meet your fears and limits – gives you the chance to know where you are. And also to transcend them and create more space in your life. This is where the process starts: who I am, where I am? Only from this origo you can start to liberate yourself.
Suffering and limitations
Yoga is (and always was) a really helpful asset in my life to face and get to know myself more and more. Many times in the past I was not ready for my truth, so I had a lot of injuries after my physical practice in yoga. How did it happen? I did not respect my limitations that my body had. And this happened in my daily life also, so I suffered. Suffered because of the pain in my body, and suffered mentally too. I couldn’t reach certain goals of mine, but I was so stubborn so determined about reaching them, so I forced, pressed myself many times. On the day when you start to respect and love yourself, you will be able to accept yourself the way who you are with all your handycaps and mistakes and limits. If we are able to do this, we can experience a kind of freedom and peace within our own limitations. Understanding the truth and accepting it is a big gift and brings us closer to our inner freedom.
But I am not telling that you have to be satisfied with your inner limitations. Especially when you have the big desire and passion to reach and create over your borders, outside of the circle of your patterns and habits – as I had when I came to Rhodes. I still have the fire, the spirit inside of me. Life just showed me that I have other things to deal with before I bloom and give fruits. I need to be healthy by liberating myself from my fears and blocks. Because inside the narrow space of my limitations I cannot express and create. I need to find the way how to open myself – and I have to! Because we all have talents, gifts that we were born with and we are responsible for them. To give and create through them. So we have to transcend our own inner limits to be a free “channel” and be able to give and receive in this life. For me this is freedom: the will and ability to overcome my inner limits/fears/ego by breaking my toxic and destructive patterns, and respect the rhythm of the process at the same time, so to avoid pain and suffering. Reaching a point is nice, but don’t forget to focus on the road towards that point also. Don’t forget to be in touch with yourself in the present moment, be aware of your soul, your body. Because they help you to stay authentic and faithful to yourself. They help us to stay healthy on the way – through our feelings. Work with the feminine and the masculine energy at the same time: keep your focus on your vision and be flexible to change the direction according to the powers of Life. Be a giver and a receiver. Give space for Life to give you unexpected gifts and teachings. Be ready to let go, be able to let go things, ideas, visions. Create harmony between the internal and the external. And it is not possible without recognizing and respecting the powers of life around us and inside of us. But you can completely cut yourself off these powers if you become one with your fears, your ego, your individual goals, your pain, your destructive thoughts, habits and patterns that keep you in a small circle, a limited space of creation and life. In this case you might not realize that you are in your own prison.
Meeting our limitations
Once I’ve heard from one of my yoga teachers that action is always better than no action. I experienced in life the truth of this sentence. When you try, when you express a part of you in the external life, it will give you a feedback. The external world reacts and answers to your actions, so you can understand who you are in this world and how the world respond to your inner world. Whatever you deserve, you already have it. Whatever you are not ready for, you don’t have it yet. I can be angry about the world, the politicians, the economics, the culture, the people, the system I live in, but first of all it doesn’t help, second of all, most of the time it is me who is the biggest obstacle of my dreams. Whenever I go till my limits (when I am in an uncomfortable situation like conflict, pain, fearful situations) there is a chance for me to face it, stay there a little bit more (instead of running away, or going back to a comfortable position, I observe it, I taste it, I try to understand it) and respond the pain, the fear differently to break my patterns, my automatic reactions and be more free. Liberating yourself is always uncomfortable. Because you go through the same process again when you locked yourself into that prison. You connect to the painful, fearful emotion again. Changing an automatism is always a big work. Imagine how many times in your life you reacted with the same fear again and again. Now you want to overwrite it. The more times I practice this and go against my patterns, the more I liberate myself, the less I want to run away from situations, the less fears control me, the less I am a victim. I will have more space to move, to create, to love, to be a pure channel of life. Then I will understand more who I really am, what my real purpose is in this life. Don’t misunderstand freedom. It is not the luxury of sitting all day in a sunbed with a nice cocktail at the beach. Comfort is very different than inner freedom. For inner freedom, you really have to work.
Just like the work on your yoga mat. When you try to do a yoga position (asana), your body has a reaction, an answer. If you are in communicative relationship with your body, you will realize the location of pain and tension, or the location of weeknesses in your muscles. Our muscles carry the memory of our traumas, all the negative experiences in our lifes from childhood. The more negative emotions/experiences your body carries (because of traumas or bad habits), the less free your body is, and the more pain, sickness, problems you have. So if you are in your comfort zone with your physical body also, you will loose your health, which will be your big limitation. If you work against these conditions in the yoga asanas, then you work on liberating your body. You literally get rid of the limiting patterns of bad memories that your muscles carry, through working in the asanas (breath, focus, awareness). If you have a physical limitation (because of emotional stress of lifestyle), and your muscles are tensed in one specific area, working against this could be very painful. But you do it again and again. And there will be a result. The tension will leave you, and you will be lighter, more flexible, healthier. This effects your mind and emotions also. Working for your inner freedom on your yoga mat and in life at the same time can multiply the results.
(By the way: this is very different from a training in the gym, where you have a rational goal and you work hard for it. In yoga we offer our physical and mental health to serve a higher purpose in life. The purpose that we are here on this Earth for. And most of the time we realize this purpose only after we get rid of the shit we carried before. Only when we are free of our limitations. Because life is much bigger than us. Our intuition and awareness will show us who we are. Our breath, our actions towards freedom are offerings to life. Not our mind sets the goals of our life, but our inner intuition. We are in touch with our inner world and we increase this sensibility with our practice. Practice is a tool for inner freedom, not for external attraction. Physical and mental freedom too. And only if you are free, then you can make actions and bloom.)
For this work you need a lot of courage. In yoga it is called ‘muditha bhavana’. When you are ready to meet and fight against your fears, the pain, the past (your personal demons). You must have balls to do that. When you liberate yourself, it is a kind of death. Because you get rid of the old you, and you build up the new you. You get rid of the known, and you have faith towards the unknown, the invisible. And not only courage is needed here. Also discipline. To keep the direction, to keep the intention, to make actions again and again even if it is very uncomfortable and painful. Choose a method that helps you to connect to your inner self, to the invisible inner world of yours. Connect to your creative power. You can find it, where you feel joy. Who I am is in my heart. Only I can discover and understand. Nobody else. Choose the right company (‘satsang’ = clean company) around you carefully. Choose the people who also work on their own inner freedom and have the same direction. Otherwise you will listen to people’s opinion about life (and also about your life), who are not aware, and not going to the same direction. Be careful with advice. Look at the person who gives it to you. Is he/she happy? Healthy? Free from addictions, pain, fears, limiting beliefs? What does he/she carries in his/her body, mind and soul? Does he/she live in a limited world, in a small circle? Does he/she work on extending this circle? Does he/she want to be a channel of life? Is he/she a creator? Because if someone is not able to overwrite his/her own destructive, limiting patterns (in the mind and in the body), and cannot handle stepping out of the comfort zone, and not ready to work hard against pain and fears, he/she is gonna be sick in the body (because of the laziness and the lack of awareness) and a victim in the mind (because of loosing the control over her own thoughts). In this case the external powers and streams around us will control our own life. If you do the work, if you have courage to face your demons, the discipline to control the mind, if you connect to your inner world/intuitions, you purify and liberate yourself, then life will reward you with beautiful gifts. And also you will reward life with your beautiful gifts. Finding our nature and being the pure channel of creation is light and joy.
Who will not liberate himself, he will be overpowered and subjected.
Inspiration of the thoughts and feelings above:
coming from my yoga teachers from Hungary (Zoltán Kádár, Beatrix Kovács – Gargi), Géza Röhrig, Dr. Máté Gábor, from my own yoga practice, and my own life.