A little self reflection on the 5th of September 2020.
Oh, hello. It’s me during work. More precisely: it’s me during healing myself work. I can’t even remember how many rooms I had since I am in Greece… I was kinda fighting against my fate, but nowadays I am becoming more and more relaxed about my possibilities and conditions. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter where and in which room I write my book and doing the necessary transformations on myself. Until I am able to create and to be on the way to give birth to my real self, I am a content woman.
I kind of living in my bubble for a long while. I was fighting against this too, but hey! It is so damned good for me. Only this works for me right now. These days (while I am in peace in this wonderful house amongst some olive fields and goats far from society) I am able to put my thoughts together, I am able to systematically and (at the same time) intuitively organize my experiences, materials, feelings.
It’s a lonely work. Nobody asked or pushed me to do it. It is coming from a deep inner layer, that I have no other choice but obey! Have you ever felt something like that? Well, if not, please don’t even try to understand it. I don’t understand it myself neither.
I’ve done my talks, interviews and external discoveries, big life-changing decisions in the previous years, that it’s time to be in silence and to focus on sharing them in a beautiful and clear way. During the past three years I tried to juggle between all of the following things: establishing myself in a new country, redefining myself, creating new human relationships, finding jobs, houses, friends, keeping in touch with Hungary, keeping in touch with my foreign friends, and finding my answers and all the information (through interviews, and personal research) for my big big big, huge book project going on for years now, plus: I was trying keeping my sanity also! (it wasn’t successful) I think it’s not a big surprise that I did not have time for boys at all… And you know what, I just confessed myself that I can’t deal with all of the above mentioned stuff alone in the same time. I failed for sure.
I am not a good friend these days, I am not responsive, I am not proactive in any of my relationships, I didn’t find a job and neither a house for longer term than 3-4 months, I still have my things in at least 3 different houses and 2 different islands… I haven’t managed to create a system or routine in my life and I still need time for this.
It doesn’t mean that I don’t think about or miss the ones I don’t reach out to. It doesn’t mean that I am not craving for social interactions, a bit better quality of living (especially: stability), or a relationship. I am not a cold-hearted rebel who thinks suffering is so good for the sake of art, so doing it on purpose (or something similar bullshit). But fighting with reality is also stupid. Hardship, suffering, pain, obstacles are part of reality. And every human being is carrying his/her unique amount of these things. Not everybody will be a star, a hero, an instagram role model (pfff, my God), and you know what: most of us are struggling with being just normal and healthy and managing the very basics in life.
But just because I have ment to choose a quiet lonely lifestyle for now it doesn’t mean that I am not crying in my pillow some days because of being so fucking lonely. Just because this is my reality it doesn’t mean that I am loving it always. And it doesn’t mean that I don’t feel guilty and flawed many times because of my decisions and actions. I’ve done some stupid things, big mistakes, and on top of them many times I don’t even have the courage to apologize for them. I obviously can’t meet my own moral guide lines yet. But at least, by now I established one and I am more and more confident about these human values. So the next project is to be courageous, humble and strong to follow them. I am ready and I am on the way, but I am still a mortal man.
While I am pretty sure by now that my only working method is isolation (at least for now), I am missing many of you and I want to thank you so much for still contacting with me (giving me hope and love), and for sharing certain moments, thoughts, feelings, stories with me in any given time in my life before. Especially the previous three years made my life incredibly rich in human feelings, stories, experiences and many many conclusions and lessons.
I know that this confession does not substitute any personal way of communication, but until I find you personally I wanted to share these inner doubts, feelings with you. Some of you already made me sure about the love and support, and I just hope that writing my book and finding my true self will not lead me to become a fully deserted ugly person living with one single cat and dying alone on Valentine’s day while reading the books of dead philosophers… I just hope that the effort, the time and energy I put into things right now will not stay in my bubble forever, but will spread around and reach the ones who really need it. Because I do it with love and loyalty to my truth, but with many doubts and fears. Heavy fears.
Becoming an individual is very scary. Creating is damned scary too. You are experiencing a kind of ECSTASY. Let’s take a closer look at this word. It is coming from Greek ekstasis (standing outside oneself). More accurately the word comes from the Greek: ἐξίστημι/exístēmi, where ex means ‘out’, and hístēmi means ‘I stand’. When I create, I feel ecstasy, because I stand somewhere, where nobody ever stood before me. This means that I will say something new, I will give birth to something new which never existed before. I am naked in front of everybody from the bottom of my soul. And new things scare the shit out of us usually. Only the ones, who stand on steady ground are able to create and fight against this fear. Obviously I am working on this steady ground to be able to create, because today I know clearly: I cannot live without creating.